Sunday, October 14, 2007

IT ONLY LOOKS LIKE SHE IS JUDGING YOU...

THE WEATHER IS CHANGING IN CHINA

LET'S GET SOME ECONOMIC IMPLANTS

What does late 1970’s and present day America have in common? They both have horrible hair and oil situations. While many of today’s teens sport a hairstyle that Donny Osmond would love to forget, I don’t think economists would use such bad hair as our link to the economic plight of the late 1970’s. If economists won’t use unisex hairstyles, why then would they use the high price of oil? Both are rampant today, and both were rampant back in the late 1970’s. Indeed, the price of oil has a far greater impact on our economy than that of horrible hair, but it should not be our defining factor. If the United States hopes to overcome the impending recession, its people will have to accept their nation’s diminished role in oil market share and take the economy into their own hands. A recession is inevitable, but future decades do not have to be marred by it.

Within the past six years, the rise in the price of oil coincided with an appeasing surge in the economy. As gas prices went up, so did the average salary and the creation of jobs. Unfortunately, that trend has ended. The past year has seen a reversal. While the prices of oil have continued to increase, hitting a record high of $83.32 per barrel, the creation of jobs and the average salary have been on the decline. No longer will our economy continue to give us appeasing gifts, like a soccer mom gives to her son when he wins. Our whining will remain unchecked except through the actions of an economic Messiah.

Will this economic Messiah be sent from the heavens? No, he’s already here. The economic Messiah lives on 91st Street, he lives on Murray Street, he lives on Ohio Court, he lives on Princeton Place, he lives on Chapman Parkway, but he does not live on 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Our economic Messiah lies within each and every American household, not within the White House. It is Machiavelli who said that, “A Prince must learn to act like both the fox and the lion,” but what must we do when a prince acts like the monkey instead? Machiavelli would say that the Prince deserves to lose his principality; however, I say that it is the PEOPLE must be the like the lion and the fox.

With growth in China and India coinciding with booms in several other smaller countries, the global market for oil is becoming a Battle Royale in which America will no longer hold a prominent stake. It is not acceptable to place our frustration and hardships on the shoulders of the cost of oil because that cost will not disappear. Since the end of World War II, European countries have faced petroleum prices well over $6.00 per gallon and have still been able to thrive. Whether it’s called gas or it’s called petroleum - it’s expensive, and that’s not going to change

Ireland, which has seen one of the largest economic booms of the decade, dealt with gas prices of $6.18 per gallon. Could you imagine soccer moms having to fill up their minivans and multi-purpose assault vehicles with gas at $6.18 per gallon? How did Ireland do it? Ireland invested with caution, and with innovation. Through these investment strategies, Ireland was able to surmount what we perceive as insurmountable. The American people, those men an women who run our businesses, factories and investment banks, must heed the Celtic Fox’s economic model if we are to survive.

No country can stand without an economic rock. For the United States, this economic rock is found within England and France. In order for the American people to drag themselves out of a recession they must create a balance between tried, true, and new. Much like the middle school girl who seeks Britney Spearesque popularity, America must integrate the past with the future. The formula is the same. In order for Tammy to reach critical mass (the middle school population) by the time she reaches 8th grade she’ll have to invest in a clique when she’s in 6th grade. Now this clique has to center around both new potential and her old friends from elementary school. It may be ugly for those first few years, but once Christina looses her braces, and Amanda sprouts her breasts, the clique will rule the school and investment in potential will have paid off.

These new “potential” centric venues for American investments (or the girls beginning to sprout breasts) are Greece, Luxembourg, Ireland, Poland, Indonesia, India, Japan, and the Balkans. Found within all of these countries is the potential, not only to revive America, but to catapult it. Both Ireland and Greece represent the balancing force in the new potential. While Ireland has already experienced a boom, its stability and prospect of steady growth give it the potential to be that third rock for America. Greece on the other hand has not experienced a boom, but rather a steady yet amazing growth in industry. Remember that girl back in high school you always thought was cute and one day you pass her on the street only to realize she is absolutely drop dead gorgeous? Well, that girl is Greece, and my God is she beautiful. Greece is the world’s largest shipping nation, and with countries like China and France investing billions into her ports, the gap between Greece and the rest of the world can only continue to grow. Along with being the largest shipping nation in the world, Greece also has one of the fastest growing economies in the European Union.

For the Diamonds in the rough: Luxembourg, Poland, Indonesia, India, and the Balkans, reason for investment is found in both mindset and economic growth. While Slovenia boasts no, “Fastest growing economy” or, “Lowest unemployment rate” its major companies are looking to advance. Over the past ten years, companies like ski manufacturers have risen in world ranking from obscurity to 8th. For Poland, Indonesia, and India, reason for investment lies in their Compound Annual Growth Rate. All three countries have a six-year outlook of over 10%. Having the largest growth rate at 14.47% and an already massive population, India is like an uncut Diamond whose profit goes to the first merchant. On a much smaller scale, Luxembourg gives the American people an opportunity to invest and shape and entire country’s economy without the major expense. Luxembourg’s people have the highest per capita income in the world at $89,507 and thus have the money to spend on American Business.

I’ve saved my biggest gem for last, Bulgaria. If you could compare Bulgaria to a girl she’d be beautiful blonde with a strikingly elegant black cocktail dress, only if you ever complimented her, she’d shoot you. This is a testament to a country with a bad reputation. Yes there is corruption, but is the United States, the land of Enron and Martha Stewart really a country to point a finger? Corruption in Bulgaria only means that businesses work faster and greater profits are returned (I think the DMV could benefit from this model). Rather than investing in Russian alcohol, the American people need to invest in Bulgaria as a cheaper alternative. Cheaper does not mean the quality is diminished, as a matter of fact, it’s the opposite. Alcohol created in Bulgaria is of equal or greater quality than that created in Russia. Why? Well it’s because Russian alcohol giants commission Bulgarian companies because the Bulgarians have to pay less taxes and lower fees, turning a higher profit. Bulgaria is an amazing country with lots of potential in all of its businesses.

I don’t believe that Machiavelli ever had binding bipartisan politics and a limp leader in mind when he wrote “The Prince.” However, I also don’t believe that there is merely no solution. America, now is not the time to blame your plight on any administration: past, present, and future. Today is the day where the economy becomes our problem, and we must take action so that our children are still able to frolic and play. As it stands now, America is looking like that middle-aged trophy wife who’s been sipping too much brandy, and although we were beautiful in our prime, gravity has taken its toll. So America, let’s get some breast implants, some liposuction, and some botox and get back out there on the international dating scene.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

AMERICA NEEDS A SPANKING

At what point in time did the US Government go from Uncle Sam to Father Sam? With the collapse of the housing market, and the fear of a recession, Americans are witnessing a shift in Uncle Sam’s traditional role. Analogous to the father of a giddy Catholic school-girl who racks up an outrageous credit card bill, the US government is looking to bail the American people out of their own mortgage troubles. While this may sound appealing, especially to those whose third refinance has them drowning in debt (much like most of my extended family), it is not a feasible solution.

For the first time ever, the U.S. Government is attempting to alleviate personal debt accumulated through idiotic financial decisions. Although the Presidencies of both Herbert Hoover and Franklin Roosevelt saw the Government step in to help fight economic plight, they were dealing with Americans who had no money, not Americans who owed money. Along with owing money (and lots of it), today’s America has no capital left in its markets. All of the capital generated by the salaries of working Americans has been transferred to the paying of interest, not to the buying of goods on the floor of Macy’s.

What does it mean? It means that a rate cut will not translate to a flood of capital into the economic market. The Fed’s recent rate cut will only allow John and Sally (with three kids, baseball, a Hummer, a Suburban, an over-mortgaged house, and a cat) to use the money they save to pay interest on their other debts. Whether it’s cars, or it’s credit cards, American financial troubles extend far beyond mortgages.

The scary fact…Well, we’re heading for a recession. There is no doubt in my mind that the problems in the housing market will, and in many cases already has, transfer over to every other industry, dragging this country into a deeper and deeper economic hole.

Unfortunately in today’s world dominated by materialism and image perception, cutting back on the penalty for stupidity will teach the American people nothing. We are not giving these people jobs, nor are we giving them a way to pull themselves up by their bootstraps; instead we are giving them a get out of jail free card. And what does this card teach the American people? Absolutely nothing! We are allowing them to believe that carelessness is acceptable, and that when they go into credit card debt, we’ll drag them out of that too. This is not how you save a nation from economic ruin, but rather how you keep it there.

How do you teach that giddy Catholic school-girl that running up her credit card bill on Juicy Couture and Victoria’s Secret is unacceptable? You give her a spanking.

We cannot reverse the path we are on. We will have a recession. Instead, we must prepare for the future. The American people need to know that it’s not acceptable to buy a Mercedes when you have no money, that it’s not okay to refinance your home six times and have nothing to show for it, and that it’s not alright to use your credit card more than you use your tooth brush (that one’s for the dental critics). The only way the American people will ever learn this lesson is to get a spanking. People who have refinanced four times only to buy a BMW and a boat need to lose their homes, and people who move into a house they cannot afford because they feel the need to impress society also need to lose their homes. The man who lives at home with his mother and has declared bankruptcy three times, needs to have his Hummer taken away. Only when what the American people value most, material, is taken away, will we ever learn our lesson.

And while this sounds harsh, cruel, and cold, it is. We are passed the point of niceties. We are at the point where the U.S. Dollar and Canadian Dollar have the same value, where the price of oil is over $81 per barrel and where jobs are being outsourced everyday. The debt the American people have incurred through careless investment choices merely adds onto an already crumbling building.

It is not the incursion of debt that is so horrible, it’s the incursion of fruitless debt that is. The woman who is in debt because of cancer treatment not covered by her insurance does not deserve to lose her home; however, she can never receive aid when first we must deal with John and Sally and their third refinance. I know first hand what fiscal stupidity can do to a family, and I wish it upon no one. In the end, if we hope to save America for the future generations, me must be smart, and we must be steadfast in our reprisals. If not, you need to be placed over Uncle Sam’s lap and get a spanking.

THE SCIENCE OF LIKE

It’s easy to see that like communication skills are like important, ‘cause like we need them like everyday. So like it’s important that we like focus on like increasing our abilities in like that area.

Now doesn’t that sound completely idiotic? If I typed my entire article this way, no one would read on. If we would not put up with such a low level of communication in an article, why then would we put up with it in everyday conversation?

Not only have we put up with such an insulting form of communication, we have caused it to flourish. Larger than that weathered old oak that towers over Grandma’s home, is a lack of anything dynamic that hovers over America’s youth today. Whether it’s at a top tier Boarding School on the East Coast, or at a top tier Business School in the Mid-West, stupidity rather than excellence is what a majority of students strive for (speaking of which, you should have seen my first draft). Our perpetual desire to be idiots is not something we are born with, instead it is something that, through the popularization of vapid Anna Nicole media, we have created to cover up a much deeper issue: a lack of self confidence.

Students, both collegiate and non collegiate, choose to speak with their heads titled toward the ground and to insert “like” after every word because they have no desire to sound intelligent. The saturation of “like” into the economic speech market represents an increasing lack of self-confidence. For instance, “When the Fed cuts the rate, interest payments will fall,” is a powerful and affirmative statement; however, students today when in lecture would opt for, “Like when the Fed like cuts the rate, like the interest payments like fall.” Do you see the difference? The insertion of “like” into an otherwise powerful and confident statement turns it into a withering and frail question. Instead of telling his professor the answer, the student is subtly asking, “Well did the interest go down?” This lack of self-confidence found within the youth is a crack in the overall slab of granite that is the United States, and as many of you are aware, such a deep and massive crack renders any slab (no matter how beautiful) worthless.

Buried even deeper within the word “like,” is my generation’s fear of being in charge. While we immensely enjoyed sitting at our commencement ceremonies, we are terrified in leaving them. We want our entire life to be one big charge, to perpetually be called “Tomorrow’s generation.” Well, tomorrow is here: commencements are over and convocations have begun. As more and more students begin to realize that the world is in their hands, the more frequently they begin to revert back into their shell of like interrogatives. The reason this generation strives for stupidity is because they want to be treated like children rather than accept the responsibility of being an adult. Adults have problems (my family), adults have bills, and more importantly adults have to take action. Freshman business majors horse around in their first year business course because they are cowards. These individuals are petrified by the prospect of being a business student and accepting responsibility for their actions, so instead they revert to behaving like little children. While every country and every generation have their people who never grow up, America is being overwhelmed by them. It’s a simple formula, when the speak nots out number the speaks, you’re in a boatload of trouble.

What is it that separated Socrates, Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln, and John F. Kennedy from the other men of their time? It’s not that they were intelligent, everyone’s intelligent, it’s that these men had the ability to convey and impose their intelligence on others. This, ladies and gentlemen, is confidence. There have been trillions of men and women who have had brilliant ideas and theories; however, there are merely tens of these trillions who spoke up and will forever be remembered. I am not saying that every college or high school student in America is an idiot, in fact I think the exact opposite, but rather I am saying that this generation’s brilliance will be buried in its lack of self confidence.

If we could personify future America: give her lips and give her the ability to speak, what would she say? Well, I don’t think she’d say anything, I believe it would be more of a scream with some tears interwoven. What reduces future America to a menopausal soccer mom? Her death. The future of America will no longer continue to be dynamic unless WE change how we communicate. I challenge all of you who have read this article to encourage yourselves, your students, your peers, and your children to have confidence and eliminate “like” from their dialogue. Do we want the next Barbra Walters to say, “Mr. President, could you like explain the current economic status of like our world? Like explain to us what’s going down?” I should hope not.